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Author

Tunji Lasisi

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Good morning Uncle Quique. How are you? Yesterday was a lovely day. Your second win. I congratulate you. Well done. I love that you have brought back TIKI TAKA to my beloved Barcelona FC. Our possession now mad gaan. I have a question for you though. What is the use of passing “upandan” without scoring goals?

Yesterday we played UD Ibiza. One small team like that in the 3rd league. Sorry correction, UD Ibiza played us. In the 1st half alone they could have scored 3 goals. In case you do not remember let me refresh your memory. Shey you sha remember say dem beat us for 1st half. In that same 1st half dem score another goal but referee disallowed it because the goal scorer pushed “Odey” Singlet (Lenglet) before scoring. Around 40 minutes of the 1st half dem place “Apere” Neto and the ball chop bar on the lower left corner. Shey you now remember? Issokay.

Opelope Griezmann and De Jong, dem for don finish us. Ansu Fati was just doing adagba upandan.

Uncle Quique, please tell your players to pass well but ensure in their passing they remember where the goal post is. Against a sharper team we would have been beaten silly.

Also we need defenders. All our defenders are daft. We also need someone that know where post dey like Vardy, Aguero, Lewandowski, Aubameyang or Halland.

So far so good you have atried. I want you to remember that your contract is short. No be mistake. If you fumble peren we fire you DANUDANU.

See you on Saturday at Valencia. This is your true test. An away match (we have been very poor in away matches) against the club that cost us the Copa Del Rey last year. Beat them silly. Biko.

Most of my friends know I don’t take alcohol. Something happened yesterday that made me take a bottle of Trophy.

I went downstairs on Boxing Day to play chess. All my friends and big brothers were around. One big bros came to visit his mum. He hasn’t been around for a while. He was so so excited to see his childhood friends. So excited that he ordered several bottles of chilled beer for everyone. Everyone drank to stupor. Everyone except me. They totally forgot that I don’t drink alcohol.

When the 1st round of beer arrived I kept looking at them all. Dem no send me. Then the second round of beers arrived. Na so I dey wink dey give them sign. Dem still no send me. By the time the 3rd round arrived, I don vex. I didn’t want to approach them and lambast them for this grievous oversight and harm done to my person. All of them are far older than me. So I started brainstorming, thinking hard on how to solve this serious problem. Then I had an eureka moment. A brilliant idea.

I stood up from where I was playing chess, walked up to them and pickled up a bottle of TROPHY beer and walked away with it. They all started laughing. They all knew I wouldn’t drink it. They were right, I had no intention of drinking it.

I walked up to the house of the woman who sold it to them. Told her what has been happening since morning. The woman laughed. Told her I came to swap the trophy for 2 soft drinks. She laughed harder. She collected the trophy from me and gave me 2 soft drinks. She then told me I can come anytime to swap any beer for soft drinks. A bottle of trophy is N250, the two soft drinks are worth 100 bucks each. So I get my soft drinks and she makes N50 profit from the swap. It’s a win win situation.

I walked gallantly back to their midst with my soft drinks, and told them anytime they order beers they should give me my own bottle, I now TAKE Beer.

Sense will not keel me.

PS1: If you were expecting me to narrate how I drank my 1st bottle of beer, I am sorry I disappointed you, IT WAS INTENTIONAL.

PS2: If you are relieved that this story wasn’t about me drinking beer, am seriously shaking my head for you. I have nothing against alcoholic drinks. I know for a fact that my body can’t handle alcohol. I once drank the smallest bottle of alomo bitters, I was carried home.

Several months ago I was so so broke, I kept opening my bank apps hoping to find money. Hoping someone miraculously sent me some dough. Everytime I opened my GTBank and Sterling apps I hissed.

After several hours I suddenly remembered I had a UBA account, I hurriedly downloaded the app, and tried the login details I remembered, the app opened to reveal that I had NGN12,495.53. I was so excited. Sharp sharp I tried to transfer 12K to my GTbank account, it no go. The message that popped up told me I had insufficient funds. I logged out of the UBA app, logged in again and rubbed my eyes. Yep the NGN12,495.53 was still there. Tried transferring 12k to my Sterling, got the same msg. OK. I tried transferring 1k, same thing. I tried 100 naira, same insufficient funds message.

By this time I don vex. What rubbish. My own money I cannot withdraw. Take note, I had no idea where the NGN12,495.53 came from. Before that very day I was sure I had nothing in that account. With vex I took a bike and one napep to the closest UBA in my area. I entered with swag, no queue at the customer service desk. Yes, today Na today. The following conversation ensued:

UBA CSR: Good morning sir, how may I help you today?

ME: Good morning MA! I have an urgent issue I need resolved. I have some money in my account, about 12k but I can neither withdraw nor transfer it.

UBA CSR: Oh, am sorry about that sir. Can I have your account number so I can check?

I gave her my account number. While she was typing on her keyboard I was tapping by foot. Today Na Today, I go show una pepper. I was studying the lady’s facial expression. Suddenly she rolled her eyes looked at me and:

UBA CSR: Sorry sir, you don’t have any money in your account.

ME: What! That’s rubbish. See my app it’s says I gave over 12k, how can you say I don’t have any money?

She looks at my phone shakes her head, rolls her eyes and:

UBA CSR: Sorry sir, you don’t have any money in your account:

ME: This is rubbish, no problem, I am not banking with you guys again. What rubbish.

I jumped up, livid, walked away into the security door. As I was vexing my mind kept playing back the way that UBA Customer Service Rep was rolling her eyes. So I decided to go to the UBA ATM outside to check my balance. All these while I only checked through the app.

I slotted my atm card into the machine. Entered my pin and pressed the buttons to reveal my balance. When I saw the balance, my jaw dropped .

The NGN12,495.53 was there alright, there was something else though. A VERY BIG MINUS. My account balance was -12,495.53. I couldn’t bring myself to go back into the bank to ask why my account had a 12k deficit. I just JEJELY, walked away from the bank and went back home.

The most painful part of this whole matter was that I woke up with N500 that morning, by the time I got home from the bank I had just N100 left.

Opened my UBA app this morning and the stupid NGN12,495.53 is still there.

So Netflix just released a Brazilian movie portraying Jesus as Gay. Brazilian? SMH! I am not annoyed at all, I actually find it hilarious. Here is why:

Netflix dares not portray Prophet Mohammed as gay. Why? Their headquarters would be invaded by radical Muslims and a large percentage of their staff would be killed. It would be a massacre. Ask Charlie Hebdo. They learnt the hard way.

Christians are the most selfish breed of humans on earth. All they think about is my denomination, my church. They forget they are Christians 1st before they are Catholics, Redeemers, Anglicans etc. There will be some outrage on social media, then some press statements and that will be all. Christians will never unite to take a drastic step against such a depraved movie staining the name of Jesus Christ THE SON OF GOD.

When I mean drastic step, I am not referring to killing everyone at Netflix. I am referring to a global boycott of Netflix. With the right approach Muslims can also join the fight to boycott Netflix. Countries that have strong religious ties can also ban the app. In less than a year NETFLIX would be a thing of the past.

NETFLIX knew they would trend with this movie. They knew most Christians are docile and selfish. They are not scared of Christianity because it has always been portrayed as a docile religion. Christianity might be accommodating but it is not docile. Jesus wasn’t docile. He scattered a whole temple in anger. It is this generation of Christians that are docile and selfish.

So I laugh out loud because most Christians nowadays are jokes. So it is no surprise a media company can ridicule THE MOST SACRED emblem of Christianity and be confident that they will get away with it.

Yesterday Tottenham Hotspur  faced Olympiacos Piraeus IN their 5th match of the group stages of the champions league. In less than 20 minutes, Tottenham were already 2 goals down. They won the match 4-2.

The comeback was amazing yes, but what actually made it more amazing was the reaction of Jose Mourinho to every single goal conceded and scored. He was on his feet jumping, gesticulating and being his old self. He even went over to the ball boy who contributed to the equalizing goal to thank him after the goal was scored.

Jose Mourinho is THE SPECIAL ONE. His optimism is extremely infectious. If you play for him and see him jumping like a crazy man on the touchline, you would be highly motivated to deliver. I have no doubt He would win at least a Title in the next 2 seasons.

Right now I am giving him a standing ovation for his performance so far.

Two major issues trended in the past 48 hours, both related to schools. Everyone seems to have an opinion. Here is mine:

When you gain admission into an institution of learning you become an ambassador of that institution. Every single thing you do on or off the premises could affect the image of that institution positively or negatively.

Babcock University acted appropriately. They were only trying to protect their image by cutting ties with their ambassador (student).

Queen College however was silly in how they handled the girl with the lashes. This was a simple issue that should have been handled by the school authorities silently. Any student who dresses inappropriately should be allowed onto the school premises and punished in the presence of his/her peers as a deterrent. It helps in behavior modification and reduces the possibility of such an offense occurring again.

Both events should not have trended if handled properly. The former wouldn’t have been an issue if an idiot didn’t release the sex-tape. The latter if the school authorities had sense. I pity the young Babcock lady whose private affair has been put out there for the world to see. I am outraged at how some adults conducted themselves in the Queens College affair.

If you have no idea about all I have been saying, here is what happened. A young lady had “awesome” sex and someone released the sextape. Her University (Babcock) expelled her. The other event involves a young student of Queens College who came to school in artificial eyelashes and painted nails. She was sent back home after she was thoroughly embarrassed, an embarrassment hat resulted in her mother (who was at the scene) having a confrontation with one of the security men at the entrance of the school.

Now that you have been updated, you can go back and reread my post.

Sorry, I will not post any of the videos. These videos should never have been recorded nor posted in the 1st place.

A few weeks ago, Teni packed a lot of awards at THE HEADIES. At that point in time I beleived she totally deserved it. 48 hours ago, she released her BILLIONAIRE Video. In my humble opinion, it is the best video this year. It is creative, hilarious and thrilling. It also gave me goosebumps. Frank Idoho featuring in the video was a stroke of genius. I am giving Pheelz a standing ovation for this amazing production.

If you haven’t seen it, Check out the video below.

I have this crazy friend. When he eats he leaves everyone in shock. Here is what he had for breakfast today.

If you know his name feel free to mention it in the comment section.

Somewhere in there are some pieces of yam. Yep, he ate all that with a loaf of bread.

The shocking part is he is gonna be hungry in the next 2hours.

I was very excited yesterday. Waited all day for the Champions League match Chelsea vs Ajax. I knew it was going to be HOT! I was not disappointed.

AJAX was fantastic. Their performance outstanding. Chelsea fought hard but they were no match. No match until the Referee sent off 2 AJAX players and awarded a penalty in the same minute. Guess that was the only way Chelsea could have come back from a 2 goal deficit. Lets not forget that the second goal by Azpilicueta was from an obvious offside.

If I was the referee I would have either given Blind his second yellow and given a free kick or given Veltman his second yellow and given a penalty. The referee however decided to give a second yellow for an earlier offense, give a second yellow for the main offense then give a penalty all in that same minute..

We have seen fouls that referees overlook. The FOULS committed by Blind should not have been overlooked. He committed the 1st foul, the referee ignored it and played the advantage, he committed the second foul 2 seconds later and the referee once again ignored it and played the advantage, then there was an handball in the box a few seconds later. An handball that some referees would have ignored. At this point Chelsea had lost the ball, the logical thing was to give a free kick and give Blind a red card (he already had a yellow).

Let me rephrase, whenever a player commits a foul and the referee allows play to continue because the aggrieved team has the advantage, the referee has to stop the match if the player who committed the initial foul commits another within seconds of the 1st. This referee choose to ignore both fouls by BLIND. The second was worse that the 1st. Who does that?

Ajax was by far the better team yesterday, they were robbed by an idiotic referee.

If you don’t understand what I wrote above then you are a Chelsea fan and you are BLIND.

HERE IS YOUR RED CARD